Speculative Stephen

I just read a fascinating chapter from the book Different by Frans der Waal. He writes about motherhood from his observations as a primatologist. In Chapter 11 he makes the point that mammals have a unique relationship to their offspring—mothers care for their young in a uniquely intimate way. A collection of hormones, in particular oxytocin, are released as a mother cares for her babies that create a bond between mother and offspring.

The interesting fact wasn’t this alone, but that males also experience similar bonds when they practice similar behaviors. Male resus monkeys placed in a room alone with a child will hold and comfort the baby the same way a female does. Male chimpanzees will protect and care for other males who are threatened or injured. He suggests that love–compassion, empathy, and care for others–finds its source in the way mothers care for their young.

One of his points is that the maternal instinct is a misnomer for a couple reasons. One, while it originates in a mother’s care for her children, it is not limited to mothers. Two, while there is a biological component, it is not instinctual. The mothers in my life have pointed out that caring for their children was much easier when they had someone to help them through the process. If that compassion can be learned, it is available to all of us.

Perhaps we can create a more compassionate society by spending more time caring for children. There are competing trends here. Fewer people are choosing to have children. But in those couples that do, men are spending more time caring for their children. So are men more compassionate than earlier generations?

I think it’s possible to make this argument. As a whole, the world is less do-or-die than in previous centuries. Some lament this fact, but I think the majority feel that support and protection for the disadvantaged and marginalized is good.

And perhaps if we choose parenthood more as a society, we can make progress in increasing compassion. I’m not saying abusive jerks will become saints if they become fathers. That’s demonstrably false. But I do think that raising children can help the average Joe become a better, more compassionate Joe.

Of course, there are plenty of people who would like to be parents but can’t for whatever reason. But there are lots of ways to spend time with children. There are many nonprofits that pair adults with children who are in need of good role models and help. Volunteer at a school. Tutor. Coach basketball.

I’ve always thought of programs like these as beneficial for children, but this chapter suggests it’s beneficial for the adults involved, too. Time with children can teach us to be more patient, compassionate, and caring. It’s possible it’s not just a mental effort, either, but a biological process. If we can all learn to love other people better, then perhaps we will make it through the difficult political and social turmoils we’re experiencing.